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The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?, by Gary Thomas
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What if being in love isn't a good enough reason to get married? What if dating isn't about finding "the one," but about serving the one who loves you most? Don't get married until you listen to this audiobook. In The Sacred Search, Gary Thomas challenges you to think beyond finding a "soul mate" and to look for a "sole mate" - someone who will walk with you on your spiritual journey. After all, if you don't know why to marry, you won't know who to marry. The Sacred Search casts a vision for building a relationship around a shared spiritual mission - and making a marriage with eternity at its heart.
- Sales Rank: #840742 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Oasis Audio
- Published on: 2013-02-01
- Formats: Audiobook, CD, Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 6
- Dimensions: 5.50" h x .63" w x 6.50" l, .25 pounds
- Running time: 24979 seconds
- Binding: Audio CD
Features
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
"Gary Thomas looks at the heart of a subject that many consider him an expert on—successful marriage. Anyone who is dating, engaged, or hopes to be one day needs to read this book!" (Ed Young)
"Singles, pay attention. Gary knows marriage, and is eager to help those of us desiring marriage get there with confidence and grace." (Lisa Anderson)
"Gary Thomas debunks the mythical search for a soul mate to help you choose a 'sole-mate'—someone who will lay down their life in faithful love. This biblically based book is for anyone who wants to be wise in their pursuit of a spouse." (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
"Gary creates a compelling argument that shifts the believer's view of relationships, dating, and marriage to focus on something greater. I'm thankful Gary has created this resource." (Joy Eggerichs)
"The Sacred Search will help those who desire marriage to pursue it in a manner that deepens their faith, honors God, and blesses their future spouse." (Jim Daly)
"Marriages are falling apart all around us and I believe Gary Thomas has just gone straight to the root. Gary just built a map to help you see through the emotion and infatuation to God's heart for dating and marriage." (Jennie Allen)
"Our culture is obsessed with compatibility and chemistry. However, in relationship formation character always trumps chemistry. The Sacred Search is a gut check for anyone considering, delaying, or even pursuing marriage." (Ted Cunningham)
"Why should I get married? could be the most important questions Milennials are asking. Gary Thomas helps this generation navigate the why in a Christ-honoring way." (Esther Fleece)
"Filled with questions to make you think and teaching that will bring 'aha' moments, this book is a must read for everyone considering marriage. I highly recommend it to you—I wish I'd had it when I was single!" (Linda Dillow)
"Gary Thomas dismantles contemporary philosophies on love, sexuality, and marital union by offering strong arguments for why they have not been successful. His appeal to a kingdom-first perspective gives both hope and healing for a generation in desperate need of a fresh and Christ-centered understanding of God's plan for marriage. This book is a must-read before anyone says 'I do.'" (Michelle Anthony)
From the Back Cover
What if being in love isn’t a good enough reason to get married?
What if dating isn’t about finding “the one” but about serving the One who lovesyou most?
Don’t Get Married Until You Read This Book.
In The Sacred Search, Gary Thomas challenges you to think beyond finding a “soul mate” and to look for a “sole mate”—someone who will walk with you on your spiritual journey. After all, if you don’t know why to marry, you won’t know who to marry. The Sacred Search casts a vision for building a relationship arounda shared spiritual mission—and making a marriage with eternity at its heart.
About the Author
Gary Thomas is writer-in-residence at Second Baptist Church in Houston, a frequent guest on Focus on the Family and FamilyLife Today radio, and a popular speaker around the world. His award-winning books have been translated into a dozen languages and sold hundreds of thousands of copies. Thomas and his wife have three children.
Most helpful customer reviews
42 of 44 people found the following review helpful.
Some of the finest pre-marital advice you will ever receive!
By Bibliophile
WHAT READERS CAN LEARN FROM THIS BOOK
1. Being "in love" is not a reliable criterion for marrying someone. Women are more likely to experience romantic love with dominant men, even though dominant men typically demonstrate less ability to express the kind of companionship, relational skills, and emotional attachment that women ultimately desire in a lifelong mate.
2. The average life span of infatuation is two years. The author recommends a couple not get engaged less than one year before meeting because infatuation has to run its course in order to really get to know a person, including his or her weaknesses, before getting married. Discerning a person's true character, values, and suitability for marriage is hard work that takes time, counsel, and a healthy dose of skepticism.
3. Our culture embraces the mistaken notion that there is only one specific person who can complete us, and we will know who that person is by the intense feelings we have. Conversely, the Bible does not teach that there is only one right person for you. Instead, it teaches that there are wise and unwise choices, and that a man should search for a woman of godly character (Proverbs 31:10)
4. A single person should become involved in social situations where they are more likely to meet a qualified marriage partner, such as church, work, or introductions through family and friends.
5. Relationships are unstable when they are based upon romantic idealism, physical attraction, or domination of one by the other. Some single people will terrorize their dating partners for reasons related to past wounds. These couples fight, argue, make each other miserable and afraid. These couples need to heal before they get married.
6. A complementarian marriage is one in which the husband leads by serving.
7. Compatibility is about having the most important things in common. Prior to marriage, dating couples should respect and appreciate their partner's personality and character. Morally, the Bible prohibits sex outside marriage. Neurochemically, sex before marriage bonds two people through the outpouring of oxytocin before they can properly test and evaluate each other's character. They should design dates specifically to reveal each other's character.
8. Pornography is destructive because it teaches wrong information about women, that they like to do certain things and act in certain ways that they really do not. Porn trains men to bond with women's bodies in general, but not to bond with one woman in particular.
9. Never marry someone just because you have been having sex with him or her, or because you feel sorry for that person, or because you want your search for a marriage partner to be over.
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Not your typical Christian dating advice book
By Brett
Trying to find a book of real substance in the Christian Living section at the bookstore can be more challenging than finding a Young Adult novel that doesn’t include a post-dystopian, star-crossed, vampire couple dying from cancer.
When my eyes fell upon The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas my initial reaction was, “Oh, fantastic. Another Christian dating advice book. I swear if I hear the word courtship one more time I will become a eunuch!” Okay, maybe not.
But seriously, I’ve read dozens of Christian dating books and very few have ever made much of an impact. Many of them lack real depth and are often very “me” focused. I was ready to move on to another shelf when a couple things caught my eye about this one.
First off, I’m a big fan of the author, Gary Thomas. If you’re unfamiliar with Thomas, he’s penned many thoughtful books on marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation. Second, the tagline intrigued me, “What if it’s not about who you marry, but why?” I knew I had to give it a read.
Thomas charitably dispels a lot of the common myths of Christian dating and marriage. He gives thoughtful, practical advice for the “sacred search” while never losing focus of the bigger picture which he believes is summed up perfectly in Matthew 6:33, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
In addition to be a husband and father for many years, Thomas has counseled countless couples, and unfortunately, watched many of them end in divorce. While there’s no exact formula to avoid divorce, he points out the common pitfalls people stumble into when selecting a spouse.
His tone is always candid, direct, and conversational. His wisdom and maturity shines through in way that many other authors lack. And his advice is useful no matter where you currently are in life - single, in a relationship, or already married.
Some of my favorite chapters included:
The Religious Romance Lottery
“…God will bring the right person to me at the right time. I’ll just sit back and wait” Yeah. Right. Because sitting around is usually the best way to guarantee something amazing will happen in your life.
For some reason we think that it’s different with relationships and I’ll admit that I have been guilty of the same logic. But Thomas encourages readers to look beyond praying and waiting. Start living with intention, walk towards the music, and pursue love.
Soul Mate or Sole Mate?
I feel this one ties closely to the idea of same thought as Romance Lottery. Many people believe there is the “One” person whom God has predestined to be their spouse. It’s a romantic notion. But there’s a danger in this mindset since the only One we are truly destined for is our Lord.
What You Don’t Know Really Can Hurt You
He explores the impact of personal history, particularly how our sexual history can affect our relationships. He attempts to address all of the other baggage that growing up in post-sexual revolution culture brings with it.
Other chapters break down the common marriage styles, helping the reader to do a little introspection and consider what’s really important in a relationship. It’s not about finding someone who is exactly like you, but someone who is compatible.
There is a whole chapter dedicated to the importance of mutually agreed upon gender roles. It’s an issue that can completely derail a relationship, especially in Christian circles, if not agreed upon.
He is also unafraid to address the raw, biological forces that come into play with attraction and romance. Too many pastors, Christian psychologists, and writers foolishly shy away from this topic. While he isn’t a scientist, I admire his willingness to recognize and discuss the significance biology plays in affection and love.
I could go on and on since this book is full of little gold nuggets but you should check it for yourself. It’s quick, yet powerful read.
112 of 115 people found the following review helpful.
Sobering but helpful marriage advice
By John Gibbs
No marriage is easy, but some marriages build each partner up, while others tear each partner down; every marriage takes time and effort, but some marriages sap the spouses' strength, while others generate joy and enthusiasm and intimacy, according to Gary Thomas in this book. You are more likely to make a wise marriage choice if you settle the "why" question before considering the "who".
The author's advice includes:
* No matter who you marry, the feelings of romantic attraction are likely to wear off within 12 to 18 months
* If you seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness, you will set yourself up for a more fulfilling, spiritually enriching and more satisfying marriage
* Infatuation leads far more people astray than into satisfying marriages
* While it can seem like a tremendous ego boost to have someone seem like they are desperate for you, ask yourself if you're willing to play the role of God in their life
* The Bible encourages us to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner
* Important factors to consider include scriptural mandates, wisdom, parental and pastoral advice, and prayer
* If you marry for money, health or looks, keep in mind that none of these are certain to remain
* You're not just choosing a life partner; you're choosing your kids' future parent
* The man or woman you're thinking of marrying should be someone whose character can survive major life challenges
* A relationship requires two people getting to know each other, and then every day they have to choose to keep relating to each other or risk drifting apart
* It takes from 9 to 14 years for two individuals to stop thinking of themselves as individuals and to start thinking of themselves as a couple
* It's hard to accept that we are going to hurt someone we love so much, but if we marry them, we will
The book certainly provides plenty to think about for anyone contemplating marriage. When the requirements of a suitable marriage partner are all added together, the field of potential candidates is seriously narrowed. Most people experience severe struggles in their marriages, and most people are far from being perfect marriage partners, for many of the reasons the author has outlined. It is an eye-opening and sobering, but very helpful, book.
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